Mercy

Emoting was not a practiced 'sport' in our home.  It is a learned skill for me, I have spent years mastering it and still fall short.

Two weeks after being invited in and rejected, once again, I have more clarity.  I had allowed myself to deny the reality, because it goes against nature.  I have been repeatedly rejected by my father.  Due to his own lack of emotional capacity, that and his inability to stand up to his wife.  It is painful, unimaginably painful, to say aloud, "My father has rejected me."  To own that?  Is mind numbingly painful.  It is not an inherent flaw in me that made him reject me, but his own issues.  But I do not excuse that, he does not get a pass.  He made these choices.

We are all living our lives, day in and day out, separate from him with limited interaction.  And yet, when the crumbs get thrown out, i.e. come and see me, we run.  If my children were in a relationship like that?  I would sit them down and let them know, in no uncertain terms, how dysfunctional and unhealthy this 'relationship' is.  That they deserve to be with someone who is devoted, loving, supportive and who makes them a priority.  They are worth more than crumbs.

Now that I have this clarity, I have to work through it on my own.  He is in no position to process nor comprehend my feelings and if he were able to comprehend, he would shut me down.   I have missed my chance to be actively angry at him for these wounds.  So I will continue to say the Serenity Prayer and work on letting go, of him and these feelings of anger.

I spoke to his sister this evening.  She shared that when she spoke to my dad last week, he was unable to make a connection and simply stated, "I am losing my mind."

I pray that God has mercy and he loses his mind quickly.

Memories, age and love

My father has never been the father that I wanted or needed, but he is, indeed, my father.  He left our family in 1987, 26 years ago.  He immediately met a woman and they married in 1989.  We were either graduating high school or were in our 20’s, when he left.  There were no custody battles, and support for college was provided for those of us who were of college age.

We saw him a various gatherings, dinners or what have you.  Certainly no day to day contact as he moved away.  The years went on and some of us got married and had babies.  He always come to see the babies and was appropriately excited upon good news.  When he did practice medicine, after he left our family, he always told the front desk, “If my children call, come get me out of a room.”  So when we did call, we could speak to him.  He sent the monthly "I love you and am thinking of you" emails and rarely called.  He loved us as best he could and many of us have come to accept that.

We have also accepted that he is a weak man and whatever his wife says goes.  So when he had cancer in 2006 and subsequent surgery in 2007 we were not allowed to be at the hospital because his wife "can’t handle the family," we complied.  He survived that surgery and is now 77 years old.

In April we received news that he had some “memory issues” and can no longer work or drive. 

I cried.  I have never been more important to his man than anyone else in his life and my only claim to him is that he is my father.  And now he will forget me?  It was and is so very painful.  But, the truth is, he, his life and his medical condition have no material impact on my day to day life.  My husband and four children need my emotional investment and moreover, want it.  I am happy to sow the seeds of these people, for I love them unconditionally, and I invest in them unconditionally. 

We were again, asked to stay away because it would drive his wife, “ape shit,”  if we came around. He and I exchanged a few emails and spoke on the phone.  He can no longer tell his right from his left and is having a very hard time accepting the changes in his mind.  All I can do is tell him I love him, and so I do.  I pray that he will lose his mind quickly so he doesn't have to suffer the knowledge of the loss. 

This past week there was a very dramatic decline in his abilities.  We were told that the, “visiting restriction had been lifted” by his wife, as he had been hospitalized.  I was so very conflicted about going to visit him, unimaginably so.  Stay away, stay away, stay away, no COME.  Come NOW.  It is the story of my childhood, repeated mixed messages.   

I went.  I went because he is my father and he needs my memory.  He needs to know that he has memories and they are meaningful.  He may not remember yesterday, but he would remember when we were little and when he was little.  We were asked to bring pictures, they would help too.

According to the nurses, he had been unresponsive, blank stares, veritably catatonic. When his sister called, they told her that he would likely not remember her and they would hold the phone up to his ear.  He did remember her, he was quiet in voice and clearly confused, but he did remember her. 

My mother and oldest sister went on Monday.  They brought his favorite food, and one that is rich in my memory of childhood, Kentucky Fried Chicken.  He has had no appetite for a long time, has lost a lot of weight and was able to eat some of the chicken.  They took him outside, with permission of the medical staff; he sat in the sun and had a visit from his dog.  They rubbed his feet and got him some warm, cozy socks.  They held hands and Mom told stories of when they were in the army so many years ago.  He remembered the story!  He said he was not able to recall that memory but that he did remember it.  He had a smile.

I took his sisters up on Tuesday, they too, had been shut out long ago.  I was there to hug him and let him know I loved him.  I helped my aunt prepare a book of pictures of when he was little.  We added a few pictures and it was so lovely. 

We stayed only an hour and half and he ate some leftover chicken, an entire plate of macaroni and cheese, side of tomato salad, a slice of blueberry pie.  He had a cup of coffee and a glass of milk.  When it was time to go, I hugged him good bye.  I told him that he was loved,  “I know, ” that I love him,  “I love you too,” that I would come see him again soon,  “I may not be here,” I’ll come to wherever you are, and I said that we would be his memory.  He literally melted into our embrace; he shuffled closer and held on so tight.  As tears spilled over, I held on, too. 

I knew.  I just knew, as this is the way it has been, and even more so now, that this window of welcome, of visitation, would soon close.  My father is weak and now he is incapacitated.  His condition improved so dramatically as a result of visits from his family that he was discharged on Wednesday to go home with the care of the VNA.  He has many tests coming up that will hopefully pin point what is going on with his mind.   

His wife sent an email yesterday updating some things, but the message that she needed to deliver was this:

“…he has asked me to tell you that your visits meant a lot and he loves you all very very very much.  But he is terribly tired and asks that you hold back from phone calls and visits for a while.  He says he’ll call when he feels up to it.  I know you want to hear from him and encourage him on his way.  He feels that love even when he isn’t up to conversation.  I’ll try to keep you up to date with any changes or new information that come our way.”

Was I surprised by this email?  No.  However, it is a lie.  He doesn't have the capacity to have these thoughts.  If you do not want to talk on the phone, you do not answer it.  He is suffering and we gave him a glimmer of hope.  We warmed his soul and let him know that his memories are there. 

As I said, he is not in my day to day life and the repeated rejection of this woman is overwhelmingly painful at a time like this.  I often wonder if she will let us know when he dies or if we will be ‘allowed’ to attend his funeral.

So I will let go of him.  Although I told him I would come see him soon and now I cannot.  He may not remember that, but what if he does?  He did not say these words and this is not his sentiment.  And I KNOW this to be true.

I love you dad.

Gifts

Gifts come in many shapes and sizes. They come in the form of material things, spiritual things and friendships. Friendships ebb and flow, life, time and distance often limits interactions with those once held close. In spite of that fact memories, feelings and admiration keep personal connections within the heart. The heart expands and contracts with fondness, sadness, laughter and sorrow.

The gift of friendship has been given to me, more times than I can count. Although a consumate collector of friends, I do not speak with all of these friends consistently, if at all. I believe the hallmark of a good friend is the ability to pick up where you leave off and not to worry about the inbetween.

I spent one full year living in Washington State. I had broken up with a fiance two years before, I was diagnosed with depression for the first time in my life, I climbed to the top of Mt. St. Helen's, used explosives to unearth fossils, used a back hoe and met some amazing people. 

My first or second day after moving in, I was invited to a neighbor's house to her daughter's birthday party. We clicked instantly. She was warm, gregarious, beautiful, intelligent and full of wit. We spent a lot of time together solving the world's problems, solving my problems and sharing our life stories. We would spend hours at her kitchen table drinking sun tea out of ginormous cups, conversing.

Her daughter was just 10 at the time and we spent time playing together. We played outside, we played inside, we put her rat in the bathtub eventhough her mother told us not to. We were howling with laughter as the rat jumped out and locked the front door to ensure mom wouldn't find out.

She loved Abraham Lincoln and being a democrat. She helped and cared for everyone, she did not have much but what she did have she shared without hesitation. When she didn't have money for something, she bartered services to ensure her daughter had everything she needed. She was fiercly loyal and called her aunt every Sunday. She was a flight attendant and traveled the world.

Her home was immaculate - she vacuumed twice a day - it is the only way to keep a nice carpet in good shape, she would say. She loved fine things and was well educated. She read voraciously and had one of the prettiest homes on the block. She had a great laugh and always wore her glasses on a string around her neck, always. She wanted the best for those that she loved, especially her daughter.  She listened to classical music and when she was on the radio, Dr. Laura.  She always told me not to 'shack up.' 

The last time I saw her was 10 or 11 years ago. I visted a few years before I got married and certainly before I had children. Our interactions had been reduced to Christmas cards and letters. I would get a letter after the hustle and bustle of the holidays subsided. She would provide me with a treatise on all of the activites of the previous year. It is hard to describe the love and admiration I have for this woman.

I learned last week that she was in the hospital, it was an honor to call her my friend - my family - and to be one of those with her when she died.

I worried that she didn't know what an impact she had on me and my life. I worried that she didn't know how much I loved her. As I was flying across the country I disected all of my memories of our interactions, I laughed with tear filled eyes. I was comforted to know that whenever we corresponded I closed with 'love.' She was truly one of a kind and will be missed by legions of people.

Rest in peace Jude, rest in peace. With great love and fondness - Betz

Photo shoot

Clearly I am not a professional photographer, but look at this subject!  She was so pleased with her outfit and felt so beautiful.  Love this girl!

Pictures!

SIX

How is it possible that my freckle splashed red head is six?  How?

Well it has happened.  On 4/5/2006 he was born and here it is 6 years later.  What a wonderful, wonderful son.  Everyday he leaves for school, I yell out before they get on the bus, "Have a good day, I love you!"  And he is the only one who responds everyday with, "I love you too!"

Happy Birthday, Ollie!!

Doctor

Last week it was hot.  As in put in the airconditioners, hot.  But it is March.  We normally don't have the air conditioners in until May.  So I slept on the couch.  Our house is a 1 and 1/2 story house, which slanted roof on the second floor.  It is always warmer up there even when it isn't hot outside.  But it was 78 degrees at night in my room. 

So I slept downstairs.

And while I slept downstairs, Oliver woke up in the middle of the night, went into our room woke up daddy and told him he has an ear infection.

The next day I took no action, until after school when Oliver mentioned his ear still hurt.  So I took him over to the Minute Clinic.  Lo and behold...he has an ear infection!

I told him he should be a doctor. 

NINE

On Sunday Merri turned nine years old!  I can't believe it!  

She is a lovely, gracious, elegant creature and we are so proud to be her parents.

Around these parts we decorate elaborately to celebrate birthdays.

And we eat specially made cakes.

What a special day!  Oh to be nine again!

SnowMAN

If you can have a snow drought, we have had one.  Until today.  He was outside by 6:30 and had this created by 7:10.

Ending to a lovely vacation

Will has had an attitude problem since yesterday afternoon.  He arrived home from a special adventure with his aunt.  He was greeted by his brother, who wanted to share some new things about the Power Ranger's.  Will shut him down and said, "I don't want to hear it." 

We had some words, time spent in his room and he seemingly snapped out of it. 

I don't know what set him off, perhaps it was the shirt with a missing button.  But it grew in size from there.  Disrespectful, disobedient, destructive, thoughtless and selfish.

I am completely and utterly exhausted, emotionally and physically.  When this happens we are ALL hostages.  No one can make a move without being screamed at.

As he sat on the stairs waiting for the time to go out and wait for the bus, I laid out how his afternoon would go.

He would come home from school and go directly to his room.
There will be no playing with legos or hero factories.

We will reasses as needed.

I love him so deeply and at the same time have such rage.

Motherhood is not for the faint of heart.